A Christmas Goodbye
by smilelikey0umeanit
Summary: Sandra visits Jack for one last time. The final chapter of 'Five Goodbyes' rewritten with a slight Christmas twist, as this is the piece of writing I'm the most proud of. Reviews welcome as always.


_**A/N: Decided to slightly rewrite this with a hint of Christmas, I'm aware that I've messed around with the time frame a bit but never mind. It felt Christmassy whilst I was writing it the first time around but that was in August. Anyway, enjoy!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own New Tricks but it would be the best Christmas present ever!**_

Sandra shivered slightly as she pulled up outside Jack's house, but it wasn't the cool winter air that was affecting her. It was the worry of what she would find in a place that, for her, had once symbolised a safe harbour, the lighthouse in the stormy sea. She pulled up under the glow of a streetlight, her silver car illuminated in the stark orange light. It was only eight in the evening, according to the clock on the dashboard, but it had already been dark for a few hours. She cursed herself for not coming earlier, in daylight, so she could have at least pretended that he would still be sitting in his favourite armchair, opposite Mary's chair, waiting for her with a cup of tea or a glass of wine to warm her up. She could have even just written him a letter, the sort that you write then tuck away in a box in the attic, never to be posted. Anyway, she couldn't post it if she wanted to. She had no idea where he was.

Turning off the engine, she took her first look at the house. The garden was overgrown, a mass of tangled grass and flowers, but apart from that, everything looked normal. She really should have come earlier, perhaps with Gerry and Brian, to tidy the garden, but they rarely spoke of their former friend. It had been six months now, since he left, and requested the house should remain unsold until his death, when his ashes would be interred with Mary's in the small churchyard where they had married. A small part of her hoped this meant that he planned on coming back, but the rational side of her, the side that knew Jack inside out, knew that once he made a decision, he stuck to it. She wondered for the thousandth time that night why she had decided to come here, but deep down she knew that she couldn't be closer to him anywhere else.

She got out of her convertible, pulling her red winter coat closer to her body as she was hit with the icy blast of air that she had never quite gotten used to, despite living in London all her life. Still, she wouldn't have to put up with it much longer. Her imminent departure would take her to much sunnier climes. She made her way up the path that led to the back garden, pushing the iced-up gate open with her shoulder.

To her surprise, the lights surrounding Mary's plaque were still lit, even though the surrounding grass was covered with glittering frost. There were tiny icicles hanging from the trees, and everything was quiet, except for a little brown bird hopping across the lawn. It looked beautiful. She carefully made her way around to the bench, not wanting to disturb the picture postcard scene. She reached down to the plaque, gently brushing away the frost with her gloved hands so Mary's name became visible.

She cleared the bench of frost and ice and sat down. The cold emanating from the surface would become painful, but she didn't mind. She knew now that she had done the right thing by coming here.

"Jack, Mary, I know you aren't here but you're probably listening, wherever you are," she opened softly, almost whispering into the night. "You know that I'm going, you always seemed to know what I was going to do before I even did it."

"I suppose I just want to have your blessing, really. To be honest, I thought I'd feel lost, at work, without you, but I don't. At work, I know what I'm doing, but at home, I have no idea. That's why I'm going, because I have no idea what I'm going to do when you die and Gerry looks to me for strength and Brian falls off the wagon again and Esther leaves him and Steve is left to support us all and I have to listen to the Commissioner going on for half an hour at your funeral." She took a deep breath. Her voice had steadily been rising throughout that, and she was aware of a light switching on behind her. Probably the neighbours wondering who the lunatic sat in next door's garden on Christmas Eve yelling to herself was.

Truth be told, it felt good to tell him that. She'd felt unsatisfied with their friendship, how dare he spend all that time with her, mentoring her, nurturing her, laughing with her, only to disappear? She'd told herself over and over again that she was being greedy, some people had never had such a strong friendship as that, she was lucky to have known him for so long, but she just couldn't fully accept it. To be fair, though, she wasn't just going for her, she was doing it for Gerry, Brian and Steve as well.

"It's not just about you and me though, it's about the others. Gerry and Brian think they're keeping me in the job, and I feel like I'm just prolonging the inevitable. Good things don't last, you know that better than anyone. What we had at UCOS, as a team, it was brilliant, but it was…unsustainable. Eventually one of us would have had to leave, and you were the first. I'm glad, in a way. You were brave, for whatever reason. Thank you." She took another long, deep breath, watching her warmth meet with the cold of the atmosphere and make a cloud of water vapour or whatever the hell it was.

"You're probably wondering what Brian and Gerry are going to do when I'm gone. Well, I've left them both letters explaining why I'm going. I know, I know, but I can't express things like that through talking, I need to write it down." She shook her head. God, she really was going insane in her old age. "Anyway, Brian and Gerry are going to stay on at UCOS as far as I know. I'll tell them not to give whoever replaces me a hard time, it's not fair on them. Besides, there's still Steve. He's a good bloke, I think you'd like him. I suppose it'll be different for them, but they'll get used to it."

"And me, well, I'm going travelling. I've always wanted to see the world, but I've always been tied down by the job. I will come back, one day, I promise. I just need some time to myself." The cold was getting painful now, so she stood up, rubbing her hands together for warmth. "Who knows, maybe I'll finally find a decent man and settle down," she laughed. She could picture Jack chuckling at this.

"I should go, I'm bloody freezing. Plus its Christmas, you should be enjoying it, not listening to me ramble on," She leant down to touch the plaque, brushing her fingers softly over the inscription. "I hope you're together, wherever you are. See you soon." She took one last look at the beautiful little garden and walked away into the night.


End file.
